Penis Humor

Cocky guy!

A man living on the second floor of an apartment block was leaning out of the window one morning to check whether it was raining when a glass eye suddenly fell into his hand. Looking up, he saw a girl peering down from four floors above. "Is this yours?" he called out. "Yes," she replied. "Hold on," he said. "I'll bring it up to you." 

So he took the glass eye up to the girl's apartment. She invited him in and they started chatting. Not only was she extremely grateful to him but she also found him incredibly attractive and so she asked him out to dinner that evening. He readily accepted. The meal was a great success and afterwards she suggested they go back to his place and go to bed. After a night of rampant sex, when she left the following morning, he said: "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Do you act like this with every man you meet?" "No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."

The cock shop

A man walks into a watch and clock store, unzips his trousers and slaps his cock on the counter. The woman behind the counter doesn't bat an eyelid. She looks him straight in the eye and says "Put that away Sir, this is a clock shop - not a cock shop!" "Well," replies the man, "Why don't you put two hands and a face on it?"

Jack or Mary

The manager was having difficulty with profits and fixed costs, so there was only one solution - more layoffs. But there were only two possibilities - Jack and Mary. This was going to be a hard decision - they were both excellent workers, and equally qualified - but one had to go. He was obviously going to have to interview them both and then decide. 

So he called Mary in first. "I'm sorry," he began, "I've got some bad news. I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off." 

She looked at him for a moment in silence then replied: "Well, can you jack off, I've got a terrible headache?"

Big horse penis

A guy walks into a bar with his horse and offers $100 to anybody who can make the horse laugh. Only one guy says he can do it, and he whispers something in the horse's ear. Sure enough, the horse laughs his head off.

So the following week, the guy is back in the bar with his horse again, but his time he offers $200 to anyone who can make the horse cry. The same guy comes up to him, then whispers to the horse and they go off to the bathroom. Amazingly, when they come back, the horse is sobbing. The horse's owner goes over to the other guy, and says: "Hey, I just gotta know - how did you do that?" 

"Simple," he replies, "last week I told him I had a bigger penis than him. This week I showed him...."

Want a big penis?

This guy's walking along the beach when he kicks a bottle. Much to his surprise, a genie flies out. "Oh master," it declaims, "your wish is my command." 

Great, thinks the guy, his chance has finally come! "Genie," he demands, "give me a penis that touches the floor." 

Whereupon both his legs fell off.

Cocks away!

It's 2022 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. The first thing they see is a Martian couple. Mike and Maureen naturally want to know how they have sex. She goes straight to the point: "So how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Like you do, I think," says the male Martian, "but maybe we'd better check it out to be sure!" So, after some discussion, they all agree to swap partners for one night.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a tiny penis about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen, disappointed beyond belief. The male Martian looks puzzled. "Why not?" he asks, "What's the matter?"  "Well," she replies, "it's just not long enough to go inside me!" 

"No problem," he says, and starts to slap his forehead with his hand. With each slap, his cock grows till it's actually pretty long. "Well," she says, "that's very impressive, but it's still quite narrow...." "No problem," says the male Martian, and he starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his penis grows wider and wider until it's huge! "Wow!" shouts Maureen, before they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love. 

Next day the two couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike says to Maureen, "Well, was it any good?" 

"I hate to say it," replies Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?" 

"It was horrible," says Mike, "all I got was a terrible headache. She just kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears." 

Don't come too quick!

Well, the next man in line thought this was interesting and, so, when he gets to the check out, he tells the checker that he too has forgotten to get condoms, and asks if she could have some brought up to the register. Sure enough, she asks him to drop his pants to check his size, gives him a quick feel, picks up the store intercom and says, "One box of medium sized condoms to check out 10." 

A few customers back was this teen-age boy. He thought what he'd seen was just so cool, and he'd never had any sexual experience with a woman, so this seemed like his big chance. When he gets to the register, he tells the checker he needs some condoms bringing up. She asks him what size, and he says he doesn't know. So she asks him to drop his pants for her to check. One quick feel, and she picks up the intercom and announces, "Clean up crew to check out 10!"

Pickle slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He'd been employed there for years when he came home one day and told his wife he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife, terribly concerned, suggested that he saw sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill refused - he'd be too embarrassed, he said, and vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

So a few weeks later, Bill came home one day white-faced. His wife knew something was seriously wrong. "My God, Bill, what's wrong?" she asked. Bill looked at her. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" 

"Oh Bill, you didn't," she moaned, horrified. 
"Yes, I did," replied Bill.
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill, I mean what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, she got fired too."

The joy of penis

I have a little poem, I'll try to make it quick; 
The subject is quite simple: the joy of owning dick.

A penis is a splendid thing; you ladies should be jealous. 
An organ with such lovely skin, it's smooth and mostly hairless.

It starts to grow so quickly when a guy's about thirteen,
His testicles on either side, his willy in between.

It dangles neatly down below; it's softly warm and loyal.
But at the slightest hint of lust, it's ready to uncoil.

It seems to have a mind all of its own; it's like an untamed beast,
It squirms and writhes and stretches out, just when you 'spect it least.

Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves, erecting when it shouldn't.
A bumpy train ride sets it off, and then I wish it wouldn't.

During summer, wearing little, sunning on the beach,
A glimpse of wobbly boobs or bums will make it squirm and reach.

But handle it with love and care, for it will give great pleasure. 
I often check if it has grown - now when did I last measure?

Some men will fret about their size: they give it lots of thought; 
Is seven inches long enough? It makes them quite distraught.

They sneak a look in toilets, wondering what they'll see,
But if another glances back at them, there's no way they can pee!

Masturbating is a sin - at least some folks believe. 
That's just some old wives' tale, 'cause it really can relieve.

Without this super organ, no shag would be complete. 
Lesbians can try their best, but must admit defeat.

It has some splendid functions, I'm sure you will agree:
To start a whole new life, and more than that - to pee!

But what seems most amazing about my one-eyed flute,
Whatever it is doing, it knows which juice to shoot.

And better yet, it stays with one, until one's old and frail.
Don't take it out in public though, or you'll be thrown in jail.

And so I'd say with certainty
That every man just loves his tool:
But girls, be sure you never chew, 
Just suck and fondle, lick and play, 
And never, ever bend!

Condom cock

This guy went to a fancy dress party dressed only in his underpants. 

"What the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asks him. 

"Hey," he says, I'm a premature ejaculation, I just came in my underpants!"

QUICKIES

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
Money.

What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.

How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
It's not hard.

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
She is the one who can eat the last donut!

What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A pick pocket snatches watches.

A DOG CALLED SEX

Everybody I know with a dog calls it Rover or Spot. I call mine Sex. This is a problem.

When I went to city hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk I'd like a license for sex. He said he'd like one too, so I said "But she's a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. I first had sex when I was 9 years old." He replied,  "You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But sex has played a big part in my life and my life revolves around sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. So I told him everybody would like having sex at the wedding. But the next day, we were married at the justice of peace. My family is barred from the church now!

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for sex. He said every room in the motel was a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk just looked at me and said, "Lucky you!" 

One day I entered sex in a show, but before the competition began sex ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was looking sad. I told him that I thought I was going to have sex in the contest. He said that I should go somewhere else for sex. "You don't understand!!" I said, "I hoped to have sex on TV!" He called me a show off. 

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had sex before I was married, but sex left me after I was married." The judge said, "Me too!" Last night sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for sex." My case comes up next Thursday.

Well, now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced, and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why, just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all of my life,  but now it has left me forever. I can't live any longer, I'm so lonely." And the doctor said, "Look, you should understand sex isn't a man's best friend. Go and get yourself a dog."

Crazy fuckers

Little Johnny's mom asked Johnny if he'd enjoyed the field trip.

"Yes, it was great - we saw sheep, horses, goats, and fuckers."

Mom: "Oh. I know what the sheep and the rest are, but what is a fucker?"

Johnny: "They're the animals that give us milk and steaks."

Mom: "And who said they were called, fuckers?"

Johnny: "That was our teacher. Well actually she called them effers, but we all knew what she meant.

Cock sucker

A nerdy accountant is sent to jail for embezzlement and they put him in a cell with a huge evil looking guy.

The big guy says, "I want to have some sex. You want to be the husband or the wife?"

The accountant replies, "Well, if I have to be one or the other, I guess I'd rather be the husband."

The big guy says, "Okay. Now get over here and suck your wife's dick."

Get screwed

The traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.

"I want to get screwed," said the man.

"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an entrance and membership fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.

The man did this, the panel was closed, minutes passed. Nothing happened. He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open.

"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"

"What?" said the voice, "Again?"

Cultural differences

There's an Englishman, an American and a Frenchman talking in a bar. "Do you know," says the American, "that when I make love to my wife, I thrust for 30 minutes. She's so excited she has a great orgasm and jumps an inch off the bed!" 

"That's nothing," says the Frenchman, "when I make love to my wife, I lick her clit for an hour until she has a massive orgasm that makes her jump thirty centimeters off the bed!"

"Well", says the Englishman, "Actually, I can beat that. When I make love to my wife, I come on her belly, rub the semen into her breasts and then wipe my hands on the curtains, and she hits the fucking roof!"