Incompatibility means 'opposed in character; discordant'. In the sexual sphere it is generally used to describe the difficulties that arise when the sex-needs of the partners are so unequal that the demands of one are as intolerable as the lack of satisfaction of the other is frustrating. More on the subject here.
Generally speaking, when we talk of sexual incompatibility, it is this meaning to which we are referring. It is, without doubt, the most common aspect of sexual incompatibility, and I will be referring to it later in some detail.
There are however, other characteristics of the partners in a sexual relationship which make that relationship an incompatible one, and I would like to deal with these first.
Most of the causes of sexual incompatibility are psychological, but there are a few physiological ones which give rise to difficulties that could be easily solved but for the ignorance of those concerned.
For example, I have had some complaints from women that their partner is so heavy that they have the breath crushed out of them while coupling, no matter how he tries to take most of his weight on knees and elbows. Read about how to enjoy sex when you and your partner are different sizes.
This prevents the woman from ever reaching orgasm during intercourse and leads to frustrations.
Strangely it has never occurred to either partner that there are positions for sex which obviate the need for the man to rest any of his weight on his partner.
Some of these are woman-above (lying, kneeling astride, squatting astride), man sitting on chair, rear-entry (woman-on-all-fours-man-kneeling, woman-bending-over-chairman-standing) and woman-lying-on-table-man-standing, to mention only a few.
The vagina is allegedly capable of stretching side-ways and length-ways in order to take any size of penis.
However, as any therapist will tell you, there are some small-built women, who have had no children, who find a penis so much above average in girth (5 inches plus) or above average in length (6 inches plus) that they cannot take these sizes without pain.
Often they are prevented from enjoying intercourse and achieving orgasm.
They are thus left dissatisfied, as well as physically hurt, unless the partner has the skill to bring them off manually either before or afterwards, and the woman wishes to be brought off in this way.
With regard to length, by thought and care, the maximum length of most men's penises may be accommodated by their partners.
But occasionally, a man may not be able to enter his woman to the full length, and there are one or two positions which automatically prevent him from doing this.
For example, the missionary position, when, after insertion, the woman closes her legs and the man places his outside hers. Or any of the face-to-face positions in which both partners lie on their sides, Or while in the woman-above-kneeling, the woman herself can control the depth of penetration.
Only great care on the part of the man can avoid pain from a very thick penis until the vagina has become stretched through regular lovemaking.
The generous use of extra lubrication will help a great deal until the woman has learnt that her vagina can accommodate this type of penis. You can see the problem some women may face around penis size more clearly in this photo.... remember, a vagina is only 4 inches long before arousal... and about 6 inches when aroused. Now...
I think many people would be surprised to discover that, even in this day and age, when there are so many books on sexual techniques readily available, there are still quite a large number of men who cause their partners great discomfort through clumsiness.
These are not men with very large size penises - many of them have below-average dimensions - but they wield them with such inconsideration that they often cause actual pain.
Only those women who have experienced it can know what discomfort a really stiff penis will inflict on the labia if the partner tries to force an entry on his own.
Many men use their penises as a battering-ram in their attempts to get into the vagina, not realizing that the labia and vagina entrance are very sensitive areas.
This discomfort is all the worse if the man and woman have poor natural lubrication and does not apply any other.
This discomfort can be avoided if the man will transfer saliva freely from his mouth to his penis-head immediately before attempting entry, and if the woman will reach down both hands, and with her thumbs and fingers guide the penis to the entrance with the first and second fingers of both hands.
Then there are men who naturally take a long time to come, who, once in their partner, buck violently with their buttocks. (This is called delayed ejaculation and there is a cure for this problem here.) With each forward stroke they bash their pubic bones against their partner's Mons Venus with such force that they cause pain.
Of course, they do not seem to feel a similar pain themselves. But if their partner's clitoris is set fairly high, this little organ can come in for a terrible pounding, which makes a sexual response - i.e. arousal to orgasm - by the woman impossible.
Any woman who finds she has such a partner must tell him of the discomfort he is causing, and refuse sex until a solution is found.
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Updated January 14, 2017