The masculine-looking man about to be described had premature ejaculation and ejaculated at the moment of penetration.
But of course he is normal in many ways: he experiences desire, arousal, and orgasm. He gets aroused, has hard erections and ejaculates.
But he evaluates his "sexual performance" as less than adequate, lacking, somehow failing. He expects to be put down by his partner. He believes women want to be subjected to endless thrusting during sex. He thinks other men are better lovers than he is.
In general, no man's sexual performance, whether practiced alone or in the presence of or with another, need never be compared with another's performance, or timed. In fact, with most people, sex hardly ever is.
Bert was 29 and an aggressive real estate salesman in one of southern California's top agencies. He was married five years. There were no children. This is what he said (comments in brackets):
The problem, stated very simply, is that my wife and I, for a man and woman of our age, don't have sex very often. Sex or lack of it is a constant problem.
We don't have sex very often: once every four to six months. I feel there is a barrier there. I feel it is unnatural if we don't have sex. When we do I ejaculate prematurely.
I don't recall either my mother or my father ever talking about sex with me. The birds and bees talk never occurred. What I learned I learned on the streets with my friends - the dirty jokes, the meetings at friends' houses, the sexual activities there, whatever, I just learned by whatever happened.
I don't think any negative things about sex were said or shown to me. I don't feel sex is wrongful or harmful in any way.
I've been embarrassed for most of my life about the size of my penis. (Aha!)
It's small by standards (whose?) and in its soft or flaccid state it is very small. As I've grown into adulthood, it has grown somewhat, but it's still small in its flaccid state. (So what? Of what use is a large flaccid penis?)
When erect it's more toward what I've read is a normal size. My penis is about five inches long when erect, and I would assume that six is about normal.
However, early in my athletic career, taking showers with other guys my age, I began to realize that most of their penises were considerably larger than mine. (It always seems so, but only because you're looking down at yours and across at theirs, and the perspective alters perception.)
I remember one particular fellow pointed at me one day, we were in the fourth or fifth grade, and he said, "Aren't you ever going to grow up - you're still like a baby."
And it is true. And to this day, my penis is small. (Really only smaller than you want it to be.)
That's probably pretty influential in my history of sexual activity with girls. I've been embarrassed to be seen in the flaccid state.
By the time I am aroused, it takes on much less importance, but I'm always conscious of it with my wife. I know that she knows that men's penises are often larger than mine. (Maybe she's only experienced smaller ones, Bert. That's possible, too, you know.)
Then again, other girls' breasts are often larger than my wife's. (Boy, is he into the numbers game.)
During my forming years, sexually I was plagued with what I would refer to as premature ejaculation ... never quite getting to the sex act prior to ejaculation. This may have kept me out of trouble and kept me out of being married to some girl I would absolutely despise now, I'm not sure. (Another rule: Get pregnant, get married.)
So I never got the sexual experience I would like to have.
I do become excited and do ejaculate sooner than she is excited and so, therefore, we do not reach climax together often. (Almost no one does.)
But usually I'm excited and reach orgasm before she does, and after that I'm pretty much finished for the evening. It ends up in a fairly frustrated state for her, I'm sure. (But before or after orgasming he could continue to stimulate his wife, perhaps either orally or manually, or in some other way.)
My sexual experiences have been few and far between, and generally I'd say they were frustrating. I haven't really made love to many girls.
Now, as I look back on it, that's kind of a bummer, because I'm sure I would have experienced various girls and techniques and whatever, maybe even have learned more about what turns me on, so I could help my wife along these lines. (He's playing "if only." He's stuck in the "didn'ts" and ignoring the "coulds.")
I have practiced masturbation for a long time. I was told as a boy by someone much better endowed than myself in penis size that masturbation would help my penis grow.
So I practiced it regularly. (Asset: He knows how to practice.) He was wrong, my penis didn't grow, but I learned to feel good. I have masturbated most of my life. (With what thoughts? He could masturbate and think that his penis was really OK from his wife's point of view.)
My encounters with the opposite sex started in the sixth grade. I went with a girl with huge breasts. I remember avid sexual activity with her - playing with her tits, rubbing each other.
But I was very embarrassed by two things: one, I ejaculated prematurely inside my underwear, and second, I was so uptight about the size of my penis that I never allowed her to put her hand on me so she could feel the size of it.
To take sex anywhere with her would have meant learning how to last longer in bed - and of course I had no idea how to do that.
My first actual sexual intercourse occurred when I was in college, with a prostitute. It was just kind of dull.
My next was with the girl who is now my wife. We enjoyed it tremendously. (Notice that your wife enjoyed your small penis - you could recreate this experience.)
We got a hotel room and spent the whole night together. (When was the last time you were in a hotel with your wife?)
It's embarrassing now that I have to masturbate while fantasizing to enjoy some sexual activity. My fantasies do disturb me somewhat, but more than that is the fact that my loving wife is in the next room available to me when I am masturbating.
(He could join her in the next room and share with her what he is doing.)
My sexual fantasies usually involve another girl, not the same girl every time - a girl I know, a friend of my wife's, generally a girl I think is available to me.
The sexual activity is very much in private. I would hate the risk of being caught. And there is a certain feeling of her seducing me I'm more than willing, but she makes the first move.
An ideal sexual relationship for me: the girl involved would be attractive and would be very turned on to me.
She would be frightfully happy that I had made love to her. It would involve my having a larger penis, one which she is impressed with.
(Still playing the numbers game. He could realize that she could be impressed with his penis as is.) It would end in mutual orgasm and a real contentment afterwards, a feeling of sharing an enjoyable experience.
Obviously there would be no premature ejaculation, and I would be able to last as long as I wanted in bed.
Bert didn't know that his wife knew about his masturbation. Nor did he really know how his "secret" masturbation could serve him well. It had not occurred to him that in general, all sexual activity whether practiced alone or in the presence of (or with) another, need never be timed and in fact, with most people, hardly ever was.
I told him: The thing to remember is that as you learn more about your own sexual response pattern through self-stimulation, you can become more comfortable with your body and more comfortable about sharing pleasure with your partner.
Months alter he came back, a changed man. This is what he said:
Talking to her was the solution. And masturbation has allowed me to learn more about what particular sexual stimuli turn me on, has allowed me to experience my orgasm in a more relaxed and comfortable way.
I've been able to share and communicate this with my wife, and our sexual relationship has really benefited. You know, on those occasions when I'm away from my wife, like on business trips, or when I'm aroused and she's not, I've used masturbation as a very sexually fulfilling experience.
I noticed that one of the most important things is to find a comfortable setting, a place where you can have privacy and not be interrupted, where you know you won't be disturbed. It's important to make sure you're not tired, that you have plenty of time.
I found the bedroom was the most enjoyable place. I've got to tell you the truth though, I had some hesitation at first I guess that's what you meant by, It takes time to learn, and especially a lot of the new things we want to learn.
Many men choose to begin by massaging their bodies with a favorite body lotion or an oil ... just enjoy the touch of your skin.
In fact, it often helps to close your eyes and imagine a special person or place from your past, a movie setting, a book, or anything else that might be arousing to you.
Many men find erotic materials and fantasy very stimulating. The important thing is to relax, think about what makes you feel aroused.
Once you are relaxed, you may want to begin to explore your body to find out what different sensations are produced by a variety of movements of the fingers and of the hands.
As you begin stroking, caressing your penis and scrotum, see what feels best.
Experiment and notice how the intensity of the feelings, the sensations begin to change. You can use feathers, textured materials, clothing, virtually anything you find arousing.
Vibrators are another alternative. Some men find that the sensation of vibration placed on the penis, the testicles, or in the anal region heightens arousal and facilitates orgasm.
Some men fantasize women other than their partners during masturbation. I found out that it was much more appropriate to place my wife, my partner, in my imagination during self-pleasuring, especially at the moment of orgasm.
You know that was one of the beneficial things I've learned, especially when I was away from home and felt aroused.
In time, begin stimulating yourself with your wife present. It is important to know how to please a woman sexually, so watch when she masturbates to orgasm, too, and she can join you and you can then masturbate each other manually. Next, move to intercourse.
And this is important: the most effective moment to think of your partner is during your orgasm.
This was perfect advice for Bert.
He continued to masturbate. At first alone, adopting some of these suggestions, slowly extending the length of time by stopping whenever he approached orgasm - something he found easier to do than when experiencing intercourse.
He began to create a productive fantasy, getting a picture of his wife as he did this, imagining himself actually experiencing longer and longer periods of intercourse with a rewarding partner who enjoys sex from time to time.
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Updated January 14, 2017