Penis size - does it matter?
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You probably understand what I mean when I say that male sexuality has been demonized in recent years.
For example, men are often condemned for using commercial sex services such as porn, prostitution, lap dancing and so forth – where the images of the men involved are presented as some kind of uncontrollable beast with as little control over their urges as a rutting stag.
This is really only one example of the populist notion of male sexuality as something that's, well, almost pathological - and certainly not something to be admired or celebrated.
Feminists condemn men for their objectification of women – which is very ironic, considering that women can never understand what it's like for men to live with a male sex drive and feel it every moment of their lives.
And of course I totally get that men can't understand what it's like to be on the receiving end of sexual objectification, as women are.
Even so there is a double standard at work in both directions. Men are expected to abide by cultural standards of masculinity, fitness, financial and physical worth, to prove that they are valuable enough commodities for a woman to choose for a relationship or marriage.
And of course while this is no different to the objectification of women's bodies as a desirable commodity that will enhance a man's self-esteem, and increase the respect he gets from other men, the cultural narrative which we all face seems to generally regard male sexuality as more worthy of criticism (if not condemnation) than female sexuality.
It's interesting that men don't take a defensive position around male sexuality in the way that feminists do around female sexuality.
There's a very thoughtful piece here, which makes the point that women and girls actually self-validate by rejecting positive male attention.
And it's fair to say, I think, that in the theme of this argument, that is only one example of any of how male sexuality is undermined and perhaps even victimized. Male sexuality is of course an energy which can easily be corrupted from its natural healthy expression as a boy grows up.
Two of the most potent ways in which the evolution of a boy's sexuality can be affected are his involvement with an over-invasive, inappropriately unboundaried mother, and a weak or absent father. Both of these will adversely influence the development of his King energy and, perhaps worse, will also tend to encourage his natural healthy sexual energies to go into shadow. This may require a lot of reparative shadow work to restore good emotional and sexual health later in life.
For example, the de-escalation of male initiated social contacts may be a way of women covering their power: specifically, for example, two or more voice messages are required from a man for a single callback from a woman. Or a text message is returned in response to a voice message.
Now, you could argue that this reflects some kind of desire on the part of the woman not be seen as "easy", or alternatively a desire to be in the more proactive position of "playing hard to get".
What complicates the separation of the cultural narrative from the biological imperative is the fact that none of us can really identify the extent to which our sexual behavior is determined by our genes.
You might, for example, think it very reasonable that men have to pursue women and "prove" their worth, and that women have to play hard to get – after all, that's a pattern which is seen over and over again in the animal kingdom. And we are animals.
And there is truth in that, I believe.
But when it comes to the use of our conscious intelligence - our human intelligence - in social and sexual interactions, things seem to go awry.
What I mean is that the male expression of male sexuality is denigrated rather more than the female expression of female sexuality.
Now I know there are plenty of women who have suffered at the hands of men, and who would make the point, perhaps with some justification, that men can't imagine what it's like to not feel safe to walk the streets at night because of the threat of sexual assault.
Clearly it's not a simple issue; but then, I'm not pretending that it is.
What I want to do is to draw attention to the fact that there are two sides to the debate, and the defense of male sexuality, indeed the celebration of male sexuality, is something which seems to get less attention than the demonization of female sexuality.
There's plenty of evidence to suggest that men behave in a certain way because their brains are wired to behave in that way.
The objectification of women is one such example: while it's generally assumed that men respond to sexually provocative images of women with instant arousal, the reality, it seems, is that men only respond sexually (as measured by brain response) to images of women where the women are in fact actually looking at the man concerned.
Sexual Pleasure & Desire
Some interesting research has been conducted by Sarah Murray and Dr Robin Millhausen into the correlation between relationship duration and sexual desire in young men and women.
What they discovered was that in women aged between 18 and 25, there's a decrease in sexual desire on the part of the young women with every month that goes by in their relationship.
Sometimes the decrease is significant, sometimes it's slight, but it does exist and it's a reality. On the other hand, for men, sexual desire isn't related to relationship length, but to sexual satisfaction.
This is a fascinating finding, but it doesn't necessarily mean that the same is true later in life – don't forget, that the population in this research project was aged between 18 and 25.
Even so, you can clearly conclude that sexual desire really does ebb and flow throughout life.
It's possible that men, who in this study appeared to have a higher level sexual desire, were simply adapting their responses to fit within expected social norms and ideas of masculinity. (For example the concept that men are always ready and willing to have sex.)
An interesting question here is whether or not sexual pleasure plays into this in any way whatsoever.
We know that current models of sexual interaction between men and women are very much geared around the concept of male satisfaction and pleasure.
What's more interesting, perhaps, is whether or not the desire of thought of giving a woman sexual pleasure plays any part whatsoever in most men's sexual behavior.
There is certainly a lot of evidence to suggest that there are
many predictors of sexual desire other than hormonal influences, a
fact borne out by the study reported
You only have to look at the furore around the production of a pill for women which is supposed to be a "quick fix" for a made-up sexual problem called "hypoactive sexual desire disorder".
Yet those of us who work in the field of sexual education would probably agree that one of the reasons why women appear to have a low sex drive is not because of their testosterone deficiency, but simply because men are poor lovers who don't know how to satisfy a woman and give her pleasure in bed.
Let's face it, giving a woman sexual pleasure is very important for any relationship, and the rewards of doing so include greater intimacy and connection, and a more harmonious and rewarding relationship.
Are you finding sex a problem because you simply don't know how to pleasure a woman?
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You see, what you need is a plan which will help you enjoy giving a woman pleasure in bed. This way it becomes a two way process and both of you enjoy what's going on.
And of course the same can be true for women - they often do not know how to give a man pleasure - and men seem to have difficulty explaining what is needed to provide pleasure! Often women want to have a man fall in love with them but they just do not know how to bring that about.
Happily, if you are a woman in this position, we can offer a link to a site which will give you all the guidance you need.... on helping a man fall in love with you. Click here to find out all about it, and land the man of your dreams within weeks (hopefully!)
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