Penis size - does it matter?

What do women think about penis size? And does it really make any difference to sex?

Penis size. Does it really make any difference to sex? Sue, sitting on my sofa, was clear: "Sure it matters! I've had some massive ones in my time, and I really enjoyed them!"

My flatmates and I looked at each other, subdued. "It's true," said Helen, looking at the floor, "the bigger the penis, the better the feeling."

The look on Sophie's face suggested she was dreaming of a time when she, too, had been impaled on the end of a massive penis. And it wasn't a look that suggested she was regretting the experience.

Hearing these sexually experienced women say that sex felt better with a bigger penis was a shock to me. Surely penis size doesn't matter?

Don't women love the man, not the penis? After all, that's the message we hear from our early teens: it's not what you've got, it's what you do with it that counts.

But is this just small-dicked men telling women what to think about penis size? Or is it women being kind and reassuring to men with small and average sized penises? Suppose it isn't what women really think about penis size at all?

I was once in bed with a girlfriend when for some reason we started talking about penis size.

Now, she knows a thing or two about penis size, having had more sexual adventures than most women (about twenty male partners in long or short relationships).

Her first boyfriend, when she was a teenager, was quite well endowed, and she just assumed that all penises were about the same size as his.

She went on to marry her second boyfriend, who turned out (on the wedding night) to have a four-inch long erect penis, a fact that she discovered when she reached down in the dark to play with his cock only to discover she couldn't find it!

Naturally I wanted to know whether sex with him was good. And she was a bit evasive - she said his penis was thick, so the width made up for the shortness.

That seemed a bit like asking a woman if size counts and getting a weak smile and a kind of mumbled "mmm, well..." followed by a swift change of subject.

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The next interesting part of her story was about the time she had sex with a man whose penis was nine inches long.

The problem, she said, was that the condom only went halfway down his penis. In my naivety, I said, "Wasn't it a bit big for you?"' She hesitated for a moment. Then, a bit self-consciously, she said: "No, I rather enjoyed it."

So, if the evidence is to be believed, listening to what heterosexual women are saying means we have to acknowledge penis size does actually matter - to some of them at least.

When I asked lots more women about penis size, I found a huge variety of answers to my questions: some women didn't like big dicks at all, some thought average size ones were fine, some liked huge ones, and some didn't care at all about penis size.

But whatever the women said about penis size, they all spoke in terms of pleasure.

And if you think about it, this is very different to the way men talk about penis size: men talk about penis size as though it represents status and power.

So where does this take us? The question is, what do women want, sexually?

And the answer, of course, is that it depends on the woman.

Some prefer men who are tall and have dark hair, while some women like blondes.

Some women prefer men with a great physique. Some like dominant men.

Some want a passive partner. The whole range of male physical and emotional features appeal in different ways to different women - and penis size is just one of those features.

Some women like long cocks, some like small cocks, some like thick cocks, and some like small cocks.

It is all a question of what each individual woman finds pleasurable and exciting. For more advice on this subject, check out this website about lovemaking and sexuality.

And above all else, this is probably more about the man than his penis. But to make the point: when women say that penis size is important, they are not condemning men with small cocks to a life of masturbating alone!

What they are saying is that their partner's penis size - large or small - is one of a number of factors that influence how much sexual pleasure they enjoy in that relationship. And it is true that to some women penis size is totally unimportant.

But most men do not see penis size in terms of the pleasure it will give a woman.

In fact it seems to me that men's obsession with penis size is all about male vanity: firstly in the belief that if one has a big penis one will be a better lover, or somehow attract more women, or be more confident as a man.

And secondly a man might desire a huge penis because he believes his lover will have a great time, say what a wonderful lover he is, and thereby make him feel more masculine.

And thirdly so that women just take one look and say, "Fuck me, look at the cock on him!"

I think for men a big size penis is a bit like a sports car - something you own that makes you feel more of a man. There is no doubt that the majority of men think "bigger equals better."

No wonder then that so many men whose prized possession resembles a bean or an acorn rather than a marrow or a cucumber want to convince themselves that size doesn't matter, and hate hearing women saying that, well, actually, in some ways it does matter!

But the reason it matters to men is because they think women are saying real men have big cocks. And this is not what women are saying at all. I doubt you would find many women who are measuring a man's masculinity by his penis size.

When a woman says "a big penis feels nicer", the man hears her say "a big penis means you're more of a man or a better lover." In fact she's saying that a big penis feels nicer!

A man's biggest fear is not that a woman won't enjoy sex because his penis is too small - it's that she will take one look, laugh her head off and humiliate him. It's the fear of being exposed as a small dicked-man that terrifies men.

(Remember the false assumption "a small penis equals an unmasculine man").

And the problem is that while men think like this, whether they are swinging it around like a baseball bat, or complaining about how small it is, they are not focusing on giving their partner what she wants.

When men accept that penis size can influence a woman's pleasure and enjoyment of sex, things will be much better for everyone.

Men can see the situation honestly and know that deficiencies in the size department can be compensated for in other ways - new techniques, being a better lover, learning more about what turns their partner on. And this all means they will come to understand more clearly what their woman actually wants.

Remember the joke: a bastard is a man who fucks you with a three inch cocks and then kisses you goodbye with a six inch tongue. It may be a woman's joke, but what it says is clear: men, stop being so penis-obsessed and realize you can do other things that send women into raptures.

Email from a reader:

It is certainly odd that even now, in the days when there is so much information about sex, sexuality, and hundreds of websites detailing penis size in images and huge amounts of text that men should be insecure about the size of their organ -- especially when they are actually normal!

The only reason why men are so insecure about penis size is that they have a belief that "the bigger the penis, the better the lover" ...

I think we're all subject to this false belief, that at some level we all believe that a woman wants to be "filled" completely.

As you rightly observe on your website this is more about a man's desire to possess a woman's vagina (and perhaps the woman herself), than it is about a woman's desire to be filled by an enormous penis.

So exactly how do you deal with a man who believes that his penis is too small -- whatever that means to him -- even in the face of all the evidence to the contrary?

We all know that there is very little that can actually be done to increase the size of the penis, so why can't we just devote our efforts to accepting the size of our organs rather than trying to think of ways we might improve them?

I don't have any answers to this question but I spent years thinking that my penis was too small and worrying about its effect on my relationship -- and the ironic thing was that it was only the anxiety I felt about this issue that caused my relationship to suffer!

If I had actually bothered to ask my partner what she felt about it, and take the trouble to believe what she was telling me, I'd soon have realized that actually the size of my cock didn't matter to her one jot.

Penis Size Matters

So yes, we know that the average man's penis is actually the most important part of his body and perhaps even the most important thing that he will ever possess.

As soon as a boy becomes aware of his penis he becomes fascinated by it -- and that fascination never leaves him.

Of course he wants to look at other men's penises: dad's penis, brother's penis, the penis on the men in the changing room.

It's not surprising that when his penis is so small, and he looks around at the full size of the men in the changing room, he becomes a little insecure!

(Those who show it off most are usually the biggest!)

Indeed, he develops some kind of innate inferiority complex about the size of his organ - and it's probably this that causes men to feel insecure later in life. In this scenario, it's actually about a man's overall self-confidence in relationship to other men.

In other words, it's about male competition -- we all know men are essentially competitive with each other.

Where men make a terrible mistake is in projecting this insecurity onto the women that they are with. If a man assumes that a woman isn't interested in him because his penis is too small, he's making a terrible mistake in projecting his own feelings about his penis onto the partner who could do more than anybody else to reassure him that he is, actually, fine in every way.

It's actually no surprise that the average woman has no understanding whatever of men's obsession with penis size.

Unfortunately this may lead her to make a joke of the subject if she doesn't know how else to deal with it. So, please, please, women - whatever you do, never, ever make a joke about penis size.

Even as a joke, you can cause a man such anxiety about measuring up to the right standard that he may develop one of a number of sexual dysfunctions, including erection problems and premature ejaculation. Unfortunately, the male sexual psyche is rather sensitive!

Anything to say? info"at"the-penis-website.com

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Here is a list of all the pages on this site

Penis Size: Does It Matter To Women?

The Erect Penis - Size

Penile anatomy and the mechanism of erection

Sexual Incompatibility

Why Penis Size Matters To Men

Enjoy New Sex Positions

Women & premature ejaculation

Penis Size Discussed

Why Penis Size Matters To Men

Premature Ejaculation Stopped

Penis Problems and Premature Ejaculation

Circumcision & the Foreskin

Penis Size & Sexual Intercourse

More Talk About Penis Size

Penis Size Q and A

What it's like to have a large penis - living with a large penis

Your comments, photos and contributions are very welcome: Email info"at"the-penis-website.com (replace "at" with @)

Male Sexuality

You probably understand what I mean when I say that male sexuality has been demonized in recent years.

For example, men are often condemned for using commercial sex services such as porn, prostitution, lap dancing and so forth – where the images of the men involved are presented as some kind of uncontrollable beast with as little control over their urges as a rutting stag.

This is really only one example of the populist notion of male sexuality as something that's, well, almost pathological - and certainly not something to be admired or celebrated.

Feminists condemn men for their objectification of women – which is very ironic, considering that women can never understand what it's like for men to live with a male sex drive and feel it every moment of their lives.

And of course I totally get that men can't understand what it's like to be on the receiving end of sexual objectification, as women are.

Even so there is a double standard at work in both directions. Men are expected to abide by cultural standards of masculinity, fitness, financial and physical worth, to prove that they are valuable enough commodities for a woman to choose for a relationship or marriage.

And of course while this is no different to the objectification of women's bodies as a desirable commodity that will enhance a man's self-esteem, and increase the respect he gets from other men, the cultural narrative which we all face seems to generally regard male sexuality as more worthy of criticism (if not condemnation) than female sexuality.

It's interesting that men don't take a defensive position around male sexuality in the way that feminists do around female sexuality.

There's a very thoughtful piece here, which makes the point that women and girls actually self-validate by rejecting positive male attention.

And it's fair to say, I think, that in the theme of this argument, that is only one example of any of how male sexuality is undermined and perhaps even victimized. Male sexuality is of course an energy which can easily be corrupted from its natural healthy expression as a boy grows up.

Two of the most potent ways in which the evolution of a boy's sexuality can be affected are his involvement with an over-invasive, inappropriately unboundaried mother, and a weak or absent father. Both of these will adversely influence the development of his King energy and, perhaps worse, will also tend to encourage his natural healthy sexual energies to go into shadow. This may require a lot of reparative shadow work to restore good emotional and sexual health later in life.

For example, the de-escalation of male initiated social contacts may be a way of women covering their power: specifically, for example, two or more voice messages are required from a man for a single callback from a woman. Or a text message is returned in response to a voice message.

Now, you could argue that this reflects some kind of desire on the part of the woman not be seen as "easy", or alternatively a desire to be in the more proactive position of "playing hard to get".

What complicates the separation of the cultural narrative from the biological imperative is the fact that none of us can really identify the extent to which our sexual behavior is determined by our genes.

You might, for example, think it very reasonable that men have to pursue women and "prove" their worth, and that women have to play hard to get – after all, that's a pattern which is seen over and over again in the animal kingdom. And we are animals.

And there is truth in that, I believe.

But when it comes to the use of our conscious intelligence - our human intelligence - in social and sexual interactions, things seem to go awry.

What I mean is that the male expression of male sexuality is denigrated rather more than the female expression of female sexuality.

Now I know there are plenty of women who have suffered at the hands of men, and who would make the point, perhaps with some justification, that men can't imagine what it's like to not feel safe to walk the streets at night because of the threat of sexual assault.

Clearly it's not a simple issue; but then, I'm not pretending that it is.

What I want to do is to draw attention to the fact that there are two sides to the debate, and the defense of male sexuality, indeed the celebration of male sexuality, is something which seems to get less attention than the demonization of female sexuality.

There's plenty of evidence to suggest that men behave in a certain way because their brains are wired to behave in that way.

The objectification of women is one such example: while it's generally assumed that men respond to sexually provocative images of women with instant arousal, the reality, it seems, is that men only respond sexually (as measured by brain response) to images of women where the women are in fact actually looking at the man concerned.

Sexual Pleasure & Desire

Some interesting research has been conducted by Sarah Murray and Dr Robin Millhausen into the correlation between relationship duration and sexual desire in young men and women.

What they discovered was that in women aged between 18 and 25, there's a decrease in sexual desire on the part of the young women with every month that goes by in their relationship.

Sometimes the decrease is significant, sometimes it's slight, but it does exist and it's a reality. On the other hand, for men, sexual desire isn't related to relationship length, but to sexual satisfaction.

This is a fascinating finding, but it doesn't necessarily mean that the same is true later in life – don't forget, that the population in this research project was aged between 18 and 25.

Even so, you can clearly conclude that sexual desire really does ebb and flow throughout life.

It's possible that men, who in this study appeared to have a higher level sexual desire, were simply adapting their responses to fit within expected social norms and ideas of masculinity. (For example the concept that men are always ready and willing to have sex.)

An interesting question here is whether or not sexual pleasure plays into this in any way whatsoever.

We know that current models of sexual interaction between men and women are very much geared around the concept of male satisfaction and pleasure.

What's more interesting, perhaps, is whether or not the desire of thought of giving a woman sexual pleasure plays any part whatsoever in most men's sexual behavior.

There is certainly a lot of evidence to suggest that there are many predictors of sexual desire other than hormonal influences, a fact borne out by the study reported here.

We are obsessed, it would seem with the notion of sexual desire, at the expense of the concept of sexual pleasure.

You only have to look at the furore around the production of a pill for women which is supposed to be a "quick fix" for a made-up sexual problem called "hypoactive sexual desire disorder".

Yet those of us who work in the field of sexual education would probably agree that one of the reasons why women appear to have a low sex drive is not because of their testosterone deficiency, but simply because men are poor lovers who don't know how to satisfy a woman and give her pleasure in bed.

Let's face it, giving a woman sexual pleasure is very important for any relationship, and the rewards of doing so include greater intimacy and connection, and a more harmonious and rewarding relationship.

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Other pages on this site

The Erect Penis - Size
Enjoy New Sex Positions
Penis Size, Shape and Function
Penis Size & Sexual Intercourse
Penis Size: Does It Matter To Women?
Why Penis Size Matters To Men
Penis Size Thoughts, Reflections and Facts
Penis Problems and PE
Living With A Large Penis